Shonda Rhimes will always remember these shocking visits at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital.

The Grey’s Anatomy showrunner reflected on her decision to kill off certain beloved characters from the medical drama, and she’s developed an honest coping method for mourning those deaths.

“I look back on some of the deaths of some characters, and I’m like, ‘Oh my God. I can’t believe I did that,’” Shonda admitted during the March 10 episode of Craig David’s Glass Half Full podcast. “Now in perspective, at the time, it was what the story dictated to me so clearly that there was no other choice.”

After all, the 56-year-old reiterated she didn’t create the iconic ABC series—which stars Ellen Pompeo, Chandra Wilson, Kate Walsh, Jesse Williams and more—to strictly appease her viewers.

“My job is to be the keeper of the story,” she confirmed. “My job is not to be the keeper of the fans. My job is not to be the keeper of my friendships with actors. My job is to do what the story dictates. That is really hard to do. But it’s also really important because if that’s not where my mind is, then I’m not telling the best story I can.”

Indeed, Grey’s Anatomy has racked up some notorious deaths over its two-decade run, from Mark Sloan (played by the late Eric Dane) slowly succumbing to his injuries after a plane crash in season nine to George O’Malley (T.R. Knight) and Derek Shepherd’s (Patrick Dempsey) separate yet heartbreaking bus accidents.

However, there’s one demise from the show that still haunts Shonda—both as a writer and a viewer.

“For me, it was when we killed Denny,” Shonda noted of Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s charming character from season two. “Like, I did what the story dictated, and I hated every minute of it for Izzie (Katherine Heigl) in those early seasons. But you do what you got to do for the story.”

This isn’t the first time the Scandal alum has addressed her penchant for killing off characters to add depth to her show’s storyline. In fact, she confirmed those gut-wrenching choices are never a personal attack to the actor.

“If an actor has to be killed off, it’s because that’s what the story calls for. Not because I don’t like that actor or the actor’s not doing great,” she told Entertainment Weekly last May. “So for me, my whole allegiance is to the story.”

As she simply put it, “Anybody can comment in any way they want to. That’s the job. You put out the art, they react to the art.”

Keep reading to look back at the most tragic deaths in Grey’s Anatomy’s history…